| | Long time no update, eh? I'm not particularly great at remaining consistent. Anyway! TJ and I have set two dates! The first being for our wedding, and the second for the reception. They'll be separate for several reasons. The wedding is set for June 6th. We'll be driving up to Iowa to do the legal ceremony, then next year, on April 16th (our current anniversary), we'll have the reception so that my mom has time to save up so she can come down. And eventually, we're going to do the whole big wedding thing... just not until we have a good amount of money (and time with personal trainers) under our belts lol. We've also settled on a surname! After much debate... she wanted her father's name (or my maiden name, which I loathe), and I was deadset on having my grandpa's last name. But we realized that neither of us would bend on those, so we settled on something we both could live with: Widows. It's one of her family names. We've told pretty much everyone... except her aunt lol. But TJ's mom let it slip to her aunt, and her aunt is pissed because we still haven't told her. And so far, no one but TJ's mom knows that we're actually getting married this year in June. Everyone thinks we're not tying to the knot until next year. And oh, the look will be so priceless when her aunt finds out. Because we don't intend to tell her until after the fact. She'll die of shock. She still thinks she can pull us apart. Lmfao, she actually keeps suggesting that I sleep in the basement in her bed instead of sleeping in mine and TJ's bed. We've decided on a new strategy to get rid of her. And so far, it's worked wonders. See, TJ's aunt (who we will be referring to here as Lauren) is extremely anti-intimacy. No sex, no affection, none of that nonsense. And if anyone so much as mentions it, she fumes and throws a hissy fit. Probably because she hasn't been laid in over 40 years. But yeah! She has a tendency to come in our room in the morning. So we're not going to wear anything to bed. She also has a tendency to snoop. So we put mine and TJ's *ahem* "little friends" in the clear nightstand on TJ's side of the bed. And the lube out in the open on my own nightstand. And the box the lube came in? Well, let's just say it's going to conveniently find it's way into the basement where her aunt sleeps... We've also changed the answering machine to say that you've reached mine and TJ's residence (as opposed to TJ's and Lauren's residence). So basically, we're playing by Lauren's rules. We're pressing her buttons, and driving her away so that when she leaves, it will have been by her own choosing. And it's working. She's already said that she doesn't feel like she lives here; like she's just a visitor. However, it won't have fully worked until she decides she hates us, and never wants to speak to us again. Which can happen one of two ways. One, she decides for herself that she hates us, or two, she becomes so passive aggressive and vile that we can tell her that we're sick of her bullshit, and tell her that she's not allowed to call anymore. At which point, she'll hate us so much for that alone that she won't bother us anymore. Either way, I'll derive great satisfaction from the whole fiasco. Anyway, onto another note! I've finally decided what I want to go to school for! And I'm starting in Fall. I'll be taking the Automotive Technology course at WATC. It's a year long program, there are tons of job openings for it, it pays better than any of the CNA, Nursing, or Technician jobs you can get at the hospital ($17 an hour vs. $9-13 an hour), and most importantly, I love it. And plus, it's a very useful skill to have in day to day life. I've also decided what car I'm getting lmfao. It'll be at least a couple years before I have, it but God damn it, I'm set on having it. Here's a link. Inferno Red Dodge Challenger. Same color, too. They start at $22,000. Which won't be that hard to make payments on once I've finished school. I want black rally stripes on mine though. And I intend to get it fully loaded with a manual transmission, too. Which bumps it up to just under $40,000. But yeah... it's been a rather annoying past couple months. After I decided what I was going to school for, everyone started on my case about how that's a bad choice. About how it doesn't pay the bills, and about how I'll hate it. The thing is, no one takes into consideration one important factoid that separates me from them. I'm a fucking lesbian! And I have no kids! Nor any plans or desire to change either fact! $17+ an hour for a fucking lesbian is more than enough to live comfortably. Not to mention the fact that my fiance, and soon to be wife, has her heart set on a career that pays twice what I'd be making. So even if my career choice did turn out to be a flop, we'd still be more than okay! Shit. TJ could easily get a job on the skills she already has in her chosen field without going to school, and she'd still get damn good pay. She's a fucking computer genius. Every single person we know runs to her for all their computer needs. She's restored and fixed countless systems for free. If she were a professional, she'd make hundreds off of just one of those restorations. And that's just the basic shit. *sigh* And of course, we've been dealing with the various patronizing elders in our lives. Sometimes I hate being a Capricorn... we have, between the two of us, maybe two friends our own age. Everyone else is old enough to have conceived us both. And that's great in a lot of ways. They're (usually) more mature and less aggravating to deal with. But then you put two young "kids" together who want to get married, and suddenly all those so called friends are looking at each other with knowing glances; all thinking the same thing. "They're making a mistake," "It won't last a year," "Aww, how cute, puppy love," "They'll crack as soon as they realize the responsibilities involved," and of course, "They aren't thinking straight, they're young and in the heat of the moment." What they don't realize is that we already have all the responsibilities of a married couple. We practically are married in everything except paper. And we've already lasted longer than a year. We also have the annoying and sometimes borish chore of being Capricorns on our side. We haven't rushed into anything. Everything we've done and are going to do has been carefully planned out, and thought through so thoroughly that it would make normal people rip their hair out. We planned my move down here for over a year. We plan, down to the last penny, how everything is spent. We plan what we're going to do for the month before the month gets here.We've been planning, discussing, and analyzing the possibility of marriage since day one. If we were any less spontaneous and reckless, we'd be clumps of dirt. Now, don't get me wrong. There's plenty of spark, and spontaneity, but we're not fucking idiots. Annoying as it is to hear it, we are Capricorns. And Capricorns age backwards. It won't be until we're well aged that we start acting like a couple of stupid kids. We haven't yet reached our partying age, and when we get there, we'll have the luxury of many years of stability and a good horde of cash to spend having the fun that ruins a lot of young people's lives. Work and then play might sound boring to a lot of people, but work and then play tends to equal more to play with. And to be quite honest, I'd rather make all my stupid decisions that could fuck up my life once most of said life has been put behind me. The last thing I want is to be a 22 year old pregnant alcoholic, whose addicted to God only knows what kind of drugs, with the thrilling prospect of 18+ years of miserable single parenthood ahead of me. Or worse, 18+ years of parenthood with a piece of shit husband that I never even liked in the first place, but had no choice but to marry because I couldn't keep my legs shut. In other words, I don't want to be my ex-girlfriend or one of my cousins. Nah. I'd rather live my life right first, and then fuck it up later. But yeah, anyway. I got my scholarship for the Y here in Wichita. Which kicks ass because the YMCA here has everything from an indoor track to run on to a bunch of water parks to choose from. The gym equipment is insane, there are multiple gyms, personal trainers, several fitness classes ranging from karate to dance, several olympic size pools for laps, fun pools to just fuck around in, and of course all the sporty shit like tennis, basketball, racquet ball, volleyball, etc. And all of it, except the personal trainer, is included in membership. And to sign up for special programs, I get 80% off the regular rates. And they even have onsite physicians to monitor bloodwork and everything else, as well as a nutritionist to give you a diet plan to go with your exercise plan. Like I'd ever use the nutritionist, but that's cool anyway. I can't wait to get started. TJ and I have put aside a fund. Everytime we feel the urge to spend money to go out and binge or whatever, we take the money, and put it aside for the wedding. We're also printing off a bunch of thinspo to put all over our fridge. And most of our exercise equipment is in the livingroom so we can use it when we watch TV. I've also stopped taking my antidepressants... It's rather interesting actually. I didn't realize how fucking insane I am without them. I am so easily aggravated without them. I have horrible mood swings, happy and chipper one minute, depressed and angry the next. For no reason at all. And yet, I can deal with that better than I could the depression that came much less often with my Celexa. That depression couldn't be accounted for. It just came. This, I can at least say, is normal. It's just the chemicals in my head working themselves into a fit. And! I can live with that. Why? Because I realized something else. The Celexa... it takes away my eating disorder. I binge, and don't feel so bad about it. I can justify being fat. I tell myself I can live with it. That it's okay. But when I don't take it, I know that it's not. It's not okay, and I cannot live with it. Now, just buying bad food makes me hate myself. I couldn't understand what had happened. Before I didn't know why I suddenly didn't care quite so much that I was fat. And then I stopped taking them, and the ED came back full force and with the vengeance of a woman scorned. And while I can sit on the couch, and fucking loathe myself with every fiber of my being, so much that I want to just rip out my stomach with my bare hands... it's such an incredible comfort and relief to have it back. And I am willing to deal with the self-loathing, the mood swings, the insomnia, the lack of energy, the OCD, the wanting to kill everyone who rubs me even slightly the wrong way... all of it. Just so I can keep the comfort and motivation of the eating disorder. I don't care about any of it. Just let me starve. Let me binge, purge, and fight with myself over every little morsel of food. Let my weight go through the roof, then drop 15 pounds in a week. Let my heart race, my head spin, and my stomach cramp. I don't care. Music If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all I'll never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife? I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? ‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms Thinspo    
  
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