| | *sighs* It's been an ungodly long month. I think I may need to get my anti-depressants upped. They help a lot, but there are still remnants left. Mostly at night when TJ is in bed, and I can't think of anything to keep my mind busy. Plus Christmas... it was really depressing. We had to go to the Salvation Army to get a voucher so we'd have something to eat. And they gave us a gift for my brother and my sister... unfortunately, what they gave us neither one of them is really crazy about. My brother got Yahtzee... he hates Yahtzee... and my sister got a skateboard. But she doesn't go outside enough to play with it. And man... on Christmas Eve, my sister left a letter to Santa under our wimpy little tree, and I swear, I about cried because it's sucked so bad for her. It said: "Dear Santa: I am VERY sorry for being Naughty. People were just getting my way and making me Angry, even school was getting in my way. Please, PLEASE, put presents under my tree. I want to have a nice Christmas. Love, Talia."
It's amazing how much that made me want to cry. She's a good kid, and it's really not her fault that she's always so angry. My dad treats her like utter shit, just like he does all of us, and my brother in turn treats her like shit because my dad treats him like shit, and he can't let out his frustration anywhere else. I recognize this cycle, because it's the same one I struggled with. And no one is really paying attention to her, and trying to make it better. My mom is still sucked into her video games, though she's much more attentive than she was when I was younger, and when she's not playing them or working, she's too worn out and depressed to really do anything with my sister. No... my sister is living the life I lived from 12 years and up. Only she was born into it. She's just background noise, wallpaper on the wall. The only time anyone really pays attention to her is to yell at her for making a mess, playing too loudly, or eating too much. And she does. She makes a mess, she learned it by watching the people who yell at her for it. And she does eat too much. She wears a bigger size than I do, and she's nine. And I weigh like 180 pounds. But what else can she do? She's nine years old, and she has an eating disorder because she can't cope with her emotions and feelings of neglect. Those are problems she shouldn't have at the age of nine. I've talked to my mom about this several times, and so has TJ... but she's in such denial about it. She won't admit that something is wrong. And it bothers me because I know there is. I can see it. In everything my sister does, I see it. In the way she talks about herself, about food, about everything... her eating disorder is going to escalate, and she's going to get really sick. She's nine years old, and she talks about all the things she's gonna do when she's skinny and pretty and when people like her. She saves clothes that are too small for her so she can wear them when she's thin... that was one of the first things that I started doing before my eating disorder set in. When I was a teenager, I talked about what I would do when I was thin. I was self-conscious all the time. I hated kissing my boyfriend because I was afraid he'd try to touch my stomach, and my sister is already showing all those same signs. She said to me yesterday while I was putting a purple streak of Manic Panic in her hair that she wants a Manic Panic wig, and she wants it to be really long so she can cover her chest and stomach so she won't be embarassed anymore... I don't know what to do. I really want her to get help. Get family counseling. But no matter how much I push, my mom refuses to take her in. And that kills me because I know that somewhere down the line, my mom is going to realize that I was right, but by then more damage will have been done, and it'll be that much harder to help her. If she would just go now, she could save my sister so much pain and anguish. It also troubles me that I won't be here to keep an eye on Talia. Everyone else is so blind to her, they don't notice the little red flags that shoot up every day. I noticed them before I went to stay with my grandma, and when I got back... it had gotten ten times worse. Every little thing she does, in some small way, sets off these little alarms in my head. It's gotten so bad that even my dad suggested that she might have an eating disorder. My dad never notices shit! I thought that I was being paranoid, but when he said that... it removed any shadow of a doubt I had that something was wrong. I don't know... but I swear. Somehow, I am going to make things better for her. I've been pushing for my mom to leave my dad. I've even offered to pay for her divorce, and the tickets to fly her and my brother and sister somewhere else. I don't care what it takes, or if I have to fight tooth and nail with my mom, I will get Talia out of this situation and make sure she doesn't have the life that I had. If I have to pay for her to come and live with me... I will. Or even just spend the summer with me sometimes... anything to give her a reprieve from this hell hole. Yeah... on a lighter note... I dyed my hair. Ultra Violet. It's like... super fucking purple. I love it. My mom is going to cut it sometime this week, too. It's such a mess because of having shaved it, and letting it grow naturally. So once it's cut, I'll have Winona Ryder-ish short hair. Only mine will be cooler cause it's purple! And! I have everything packed, and ready to go to Kansas. The only thing not packed is my monitor, keyboard, mouse, speakers, bedding, and the exercise ball that I use at the computer. And that's because they're going to be in use until the day before I leave! O_O I have to ship the computer stuff, though. Gods, I hope that doesn't cost a fortune. *sigh* Anyway... I'm gonna go watch Legend of the Seeker, and take some pain pills. I have a killer headache, my back has been hurting constantly lately, and... I've taken to banging my wrist against my wall. I'm amazed there isn't a bruise, to be honest. I hit it as hard as I can... my lower arms have never bruised easily though. *shrugs* But yeah! Off I go! And I'm posting double thinspo today. That's the last of this batch. I probably won't get around to posting more thinspo until after the sixth. I still need to sort through, find my SG stuff, and some girlxgirl stuff to post. A feat that's going to take quite awhile... because I have a LOT of thinspo to sort through to find it all. We're talking 15,000+ pics. O_O So yeah! I apologize for taking my sweet ass time... but, well... that's what I do, I guess. I never stay on track with anything. I also need to update the Music page on Project Starvation. Someone gave me a list of things to add to it ages ago, and I still haven't gotten around to it. I also need to fix the playlist on there. Some of the songs have been taken down, and no longer work. So yeah! Um... bye? *blinks and wanders off* Music Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
Herald what your mother said
Readin' the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my heh, hey
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
Oh oh oh Remember
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my heh, hey, hey
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
Thinspo     
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