| | Why hello! Long time no talk, xanga peoples! Yeah, okay, I'm a little hyper today for some reason. It's almost 6pm, and I just got out of bed. A LOT has happened in the past two weeks. First of all, the kids are now with a wealthy foster family with a big house, a puppy, and a nice big yard to run themselves rampant in. With a mother and a father figure who have passed screening tests, and are shown to be competant parental figures. No drug problems, no dormant or well hidden psychological issues (that we know of), no violent tendencies towards the objects of their stress, no smoking in the house despite a child with breathing problems, and no tiny two bedroom apartment to act like a prison to the little monsters. They are happy, healthy, and well taken care of. And I, in all my selfish splendor, am free. Second, my grandma was put into the hospital with pneumonia, massive blood clots throughout her entire body, severe dehydration, and malnutrition. She was supposed to stay two or more weeks, but she got out after only a week. While she was in there, she told me that I was not allowed to go home until after she got home. It took a couple days before the weight of that statement hit me, and then I became enraged. I went into a frenzy scrubbing her house top to bottom, and packing my shit, and after triggering a panic attack looking at xanga, feeling fat, trapped, and on the verge of a breakdown after cutting did nothing to alleviate my stress, I called my mom next to tears, and tried to make her come that very instant to get me so I could go home. She didn't, but she did come the next day, and she and my sister stayed with my over the weekend while we finished cleaning the house, and while my grandma pulled a fast one with the hospital; crying and telling them that she had to be home where she could feel her great grandchildren's presence. Her real motive being that she intended to use her weakened state to guilt me into staying longer. And she did. The moment she walked in that door, she started trying to convince me to stay. But my fury with her hadn't faded away, and I refused. I left on Sunday, practically pushing everyone out the damn door to get away from her. And then we went back on Thanksgiving to gorge ourselves on a mountain of food. *sighs* My weight, at that time, was over 190. I haven't been in the 190s in over a year. Now I'm fasting on sugar free stuff, and it's down to 184. But even that's too fucking high. After two days of fasting, it should be lower than that. Much lower. >_< In the 160s, at least. But going to my grandma's destroyed that! It occurs to me that even if I loved her, and thought she was the greatest grandma on the planet... I would absolutely despise her right now anyway because of all the weight I gained while I was there. It's also occurs to me that my ED is gradually getting worse. I went from relatively obsessed to consumed. Before, if I fucked up, it wasn't that big a deal. But now I have to fight off panic when I fuck up, and I have a seriously hard time looking in the mirror because it upsets me so much. Looking at thinspo triggers a sort of panicked frenzy, and all I can think about is how I need to be thin and perfect, and that turns to this horrible sort of depression because I'm not. Oddly enough though, I'm kind of relieved at the intensity it's taking because I haven't felt so motivated and deadset in such a long time; if ever. Before, I had to take one kind of drug or another to stimulate enough will power and lack of appetite to go through even a day without eating. But now it's like a switch. I don't need anything. I just decide that I'm not eating today, and that's that. Hunger and craving takes a back seat compared to the desire to be thin. On another note... sort of. I think I'm going to start really working on being able to purge during this fast. Ridiculous as it is to fast and purge... I figure I should take advantage of this new frenzied dedication. I have sugar free gummy bears and crap that I've been eating. And even eating that makes me feel antsy. So I'll learn to purge on it. Armed with fasting and purging, I'll drop the weight like a stone. Which reminds me! TJ and I were talking, and she pointed something out to me that I was totally unaware of. I'm not ednos. I'm a fasting type bulimic. I go on major binges, then fast to make up for it. And that's okay, I suppose. But seriously though... I loathe my need to binge. I hate that I love food. *sigh* But thankfully, right now, I hate my fat more than I love food. My plan is to fast until Christmas, at least. But yeah, I'm distracted now, so I'm gonna shut up now. *EDIT!* Okay... so I succeeded in purging! And it was fucking incredible. I'm completely addicted. However, I have a serious fucking problem. My face is COVERED in purpura. I think I broke about a million little blood vessels. And this is BAD. I have one next to my right eye the size of the tip of my finger. And there is nothing I can say to make it look harmless. I can't use the soap allergy excuse because we've been using the same kind of soap for fucking ever. I tried taking a picture of it, but with the lighting, it only shows a few of the bigger dots. But to give an idea, it looks like a paint ball exploded right before it got to my face, and spattered millions of polka dots all over around my eyes. I need advice. HOW can I get rid of it? Is there anything that I can use to reduce it's appearance? Make-up isn't doing the trick; there's too much of it. I seriously need some advice here. There's no way I can avoid my family, and keep them from noticing. My skin is too white, and they stand out like livid little dots. And I don't have acne or freckles, so it's like... really fucking bad. >_< And eluvz! I'd love to fast with you! Motivation rocks. ^_^ And thanks for the comment, too. I'd comment back, but right now I'm freaking out... and like you, I tend to write comments that look more like entries lol. *pokes everyone* Advice, please! Don't hold back! If I have to tie a bandana around my face for a week, I will. But I'd greatly prefer another suggestion. Music Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down Thinspo
Nudity Warning 
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