The sun will set, but it will not rise...

     I feel like a broken record... the house is disasterously messy, I can't find work, various things are about to be shut off because we can't afford to pay the bill, and I'm depressed and suicidal and fat. That's all I ever write about. That's all there is in my world. And it seems that's all there has ever been, and all there ever will be. I'm tired... just so fucking tired.

     I don't even have the strength to be angry anymore. I don't care about trying to lose weight any more. I don't care if I never find work. I don't care that everything is about to be shut off. I don't care that I've hardly eaten in days because I'm too depressed and tired to wash a dish and scrounge up something that my family hasn't devoured. I don't care that I was out of foodstamps five days after I got them because my brother ate all of my food. I don't care that what food he didn't eat I binged on. I don't care that I was too tired to even try purging it. I don't care that I look strung out or like I got hit by a car. I don't care that someone stole the last $3 I had, preventing me from sending the photo album of a friend I haven't seen in 10 years back to her so she could have her memories back. I don't care that when I'm talking to my mother I feel like dying because the stress our financial situation puts on her. I don't care that I feel guilty every time I look at my sister. I don't care that being with my family is killing me, or that admitting that breaks my heart, or that more often than not I'm thinking about how much I hate them when deep inside I know I love them. I don't care that everything I ever wanted and dreamed about has flown out the window. Or that I'm too far gone to even try reaching out for it again... I'm tired.

     Every day that goes by I want to die just a little bit more than the day before. I want help and to stop feeling this way... but at the same time... I don't. I just want it to be over, done with, no more, finite. I don't want to move past this because I'm too afraid that if I do somewhere down the line I'll just find myself right back where I started again. I don't have the strength to go through this now... going through it a second time is just unthinkable. The only thing holding me here now is my ability to dissociate, to lose myself somewhere else outside of this nightmare. But even that is failing me now. I've tried books, games, and the old fail safes of the mind... but there is no one there to save me. No one in my head, and no one in the flesh to reach out to... A part of me misses the people my alters were bonded to. Caitlin... Lorri... sometimes I wonder if reaching out to them might bring them back. If it might save me... but no. I think that after everything that happened with them... I could never speak to them again. I can say a lot of things, but in the end it will always be shame that allowed me to push them away and to lose contact when everything else in me wanted to hold on to what comfort they could offer. I miss Caitlin for all that she was and all that she wasn't. No matter what I say, she always had a piece of me... but now that piece is gone. It's gone, but I can still feel it aching inside of me every time I allow myself to think about her or anything even related to her.

     I need help. I honestly don't know how long I'm going to be able to hold on if something doesn't change soon. I'm so tired of feeling this way, and I want so much for it to stop. But what can I do? I have no money, no friends, and every time I reach out to my family they only get angry or mock me. I've tried getting professional help, but it's always the same. "It costs this much money, and if you don't have it then you need to go elsewhere." I can't count the number of times I've been given a number for another organization that only points me to yet another one that's just as incapable as the last. I'm dying, and no one seems to give a damn. I know it sounds like melodrama, but that's how it feels. I can't go on living this way... it's just that simple. Whatever death holds, it can't hurt as much as this... this constant desperation. When I think of anything that isn't this... it just twists in my insides and swells inside my chest and I can't breathe. I'd give anything to be anywhere else, to feel something that isn't sadness or anger or despair.

     I don't know... I'm just tired.

     There's something I don't understand about people who comment on pro-ana blogs when they aren't pro-ana. One, how do you come across them without intentionally doing so? Two, why don't you ever have your own xanga so that people can respond to you? And three, why the hell do you never comment on the right date? Seriously, I have had so many people come in, and leave a nasty comment on a post that's over a year old. And they never have a xanga of their own. So what are they doing on xanga looking at pro-ana blogs if they have such an issue with them? Can so many different people really be that inattentive that they don't even notice the date of an entry? Or do they post that shit on year old entries on purpose so they can feel like they're doing something to change us, without having to fear the possibility that we might ACTUALLY read the comment, and reply.

     And my biggest question: why the hell can't people just mind their own business? You can get into a whole argument when I say that we aren't hurting anyone but ourselves, but the fact of the matter still remains: We aren't hurting anyone but ourselves! If someone is on here reading this stuff, they're here of their own free will, and no effort of ours brought them here. And if they're here intentionally... then chances are we don't have to do anything to make them sick. They already are, and you just don't know it yet. I was sick long before I ever stepped foot into the dark and twisted world of pro-ana, and I can tell you honestly that even if I had never come here, I would still be just as sick.

     Another thing I always find amusing. People saying that the models you see in magazines are all fake, and that no one is really that thin, and that we're setting false ideals in trying to attain something like that... reality check. Some of those models really are that thin. Case in point, America's Next Top Model. Watch one episode, and I guarantee you will see at least five different girls, unedited, who are perfect examples of rail thin models. Not every image you see in magazines is edited. The forces behind those magazines claim they are so they can continue using size zero models without having to take responsibility for the rise in eating disorders. They say "It's fake," we're supposed to say, "Oh okay, I guess I'll eat then." But it doesn't work like that. Even when the models aren't edited, they're still underweight. There was a story on yahoo news recently about the model for Ralph Lauren being fired because she was too fat, and Ralph Lauren continued to use a grossly edited image of her for their ads. The model was 120 pounds at 5'10". That's still considerably underweight.

     Even looking at unedited images of her, you're still bombarded with the ideal that being under a healthy weight is beautiful. And even when we claim it's not, in our heart of hearts, we don't believe the words coming out of our mouths, and we still want to be that thin and beautiful. Because whether or not it's right or wrong doesn't matter. What matters is what we feel, and when an entire nation claims that that is beautiful... it's hard not to feel ugly and fat unless you're starving to achieve that ideal. Logically, our survival instincts should tell us that what we see is ugly, and that it's wrong because in the grand scheme of things, thinner = weaker, and in nature weakness equals death. But logic has nothing to do with it. We have long since killed our baser instincts, having grown into a world where instinct is rarely used except on the rarest of occasions.

    And so, against nature, we starve, and against logic, we feel strong doing so. There can be no reason amidst madness, and to all those who wish to bring it here, I tell you... you are wasting your time. No one can help us but us, and your feeble logic and reason cannot change that. Nothing can change that. Period. I really wish that people could understand that, but it seems that wishing so is just as fruitless as their efforts to somehow magically change our entire lives with a simple "omg wtf eat something!" And I know that some people truly do mean well when they say those things, but to be perfectly honest... I have always found such ridiculous comments to be incredibly disrespectful. The way they put it makes it all sound so simple, and it truly takes away from the reality of just how difficult it can be. But I know that in some ways, it's really not their fault. They don't realize the reality of our worlds. And that just leaves me wondering... how can a nation so full of something so real and so serious be so incredibly ignorant? The amount of prejudice and hatred there is towards people with eating disorders sickens me. It's just like the ignorance and prejudice people have towards people with AIDS.

     Honestly, and it may sound horrible to say, but I think I would donate money towards getting rid of Ignorance long before I would donate towards getting rid of AIDS or Eating Disorders. Ignorance is easy to cure. AIDS and EDs are not. If we lived in a world without ignorance, we would be that much closer to being able to conquer all the other illnesses out there. Imagine, if all those people who don't have a clue about these things suddenly understood it, how much they would contribute towards something positive that would actually help rather than wasting their time on ignorant comments and just outright cruelty towards those afflicted with what they don't understand. Imagine the wars that could be prevented, and the lives that could be saved. Ignorance doesn't just effect people who are sick, it effects every one in every way. Ignorance makes racists, sexists, and every other kind of prejudice there is in the world today. I guarantee if we got rid of ignorance all together, we'd get rid of 90% or more of all the prejudice in the world.

     *sigh* But yeah... I sound like John Lennon. I am, surely, a dreamer. Ironic how John Lennon has so much in common with Buddha, and he's called a dreamer while Buddha is called Awake. Yeah, if I'm starting to make connections like that, it means I'm tired. So! Off to bed with me.

Life in the Shiny Box

     How odd is it that I would find solace in one of the places I loathed to the core of my being only 7 years ago? I'm talking about online gaming. World of Warcraft, to be exact. It wasn't out seven years ago, but it's infamous predecessor, Everquest, was. I hated that game, and all others like it with a passion bordering on insanity. Everytime I met someone who played it, I wanted to stab them in the face or burn off their hair or something that would make them associate that game with pain. Just like I did. My parents disappeared into the gaming world when I was twelve. Ten years they've been playing it. And to this day I still feel waves of bitterness and juvenile fits of jealousy when I have to compete with the game to get their attention for something.

     But here I am, playing one of those very games I swore never to touch (unless it was to destroy it). And it's oddly managed to give me a sense of accomplishment. I've been home for going on four months now, and I, as well as another 17% of the populace here in my town, still haven't been able to get a job. I feel like a bloody fucking failure. I've been bored out of my skull (literally), depressed beyond reason, and unable to find any real reason to grasp at my continued existance. But when I started playing WoW again on a 10 day free trial thing, I stopped feeling so damned depressed and hopeless, I haven't thought much about dying since, and I actually feel accomplished. Even if it is only because I managed to get past the hellish 45-50 levels on my Hunter in two days. I suppose it also helps that I started playing again just as my mom was getting her Warlock to level 45, and we've been hunting together every night thus far. I never thought I'd actually be pleased that her computer was fried, but alas, I am. Her video card copped out, and now she can't raid with her guild. Which means she can only group with me. Amazing how childishly selfish I still am.

     *sigh* Anyway, I'm running on zero sleep, and the only reason I updated was to pass the time until my sisters bus came and went. Now it's gone, and I can go to the store. So I'm going to do just that, and then... I'm either going to sleep, or I'm going to play some more.

Currently Beauty from Pain 1.1 One and Lonely see related

Acne throws me for a backslide, I won't go outside, makeup can't hide how I feel inside.

     So I think today is probably the first day in over a year that I didn't look in the mirror, and want to stab myself in the face. I actually felt okay about my appearance today, even though the scale only reported a two pound weight loss since yesterday. I didn't want to shave my head because my hair was unruly, burn off my face because of acne, or cut off various globs of fat to fit into my jeans. My hair cooperated, my skin is clear, and my pants are loose. I do so love days where you can actually see the product of your work. My hair has been fried for ages now, and it's been horribly uneven, and splotchy blonde. Now it's a perfect cut wedge, a dark shade of mahogany, and it's healthy and not even a little frizzy. It took three boxes of color, and two shades of hideous puke green to get it from blonde to brunette, but hey... it was worth it. It might not be the shade I wanted, but it's growing on me.

     So today has been considerably better than yesterday. Yesterday, I couldn't think straight because I was so depressed, and angry at my whole situation. Every bone in my body ached, and I couldn't sleep for shit. Yeah... I hope I have more days like this. I honestly don't know how the hell I managed to survive here before. Definitely not fun...

     Anyway, I'm kinda distracted, so... thinspo.

Music

It's not like they meant to hurt me
Watchin TV, checkin Britney, televised, my guys
Checkin out her thighs and I roll my eyes and sigh
It's not like I even need to be competing with unreality TV, fantasy
Not for a smart girl like me
Some days it's hard to be a one girl revolution

Sometimes I have good days and it's good to be me
Sometimes I get the best of insecurity
And it's quite alright to be the one and only
But today I feel like the one and lonely

It's not that I don't know beauty is only skin deep
Just the skin I'm in, not the girl within
But one imperfection takes away my grin
Not that I think I'm ugly but
Acne throws me for a backslide
I won't go outside
Makeup can't hide how I feel inside
Some days it's hard to be a one girl revolution

Sometimes I have good days and it's good to be me
Sometimes I get the best of insecurity
And it's quite alright to be the one and only
But today I feel like the one and lonely

(Oh, the one and lonely)
We all have bad hair days
Those nothing good about me days
Just keep moving on cuz they'll be gone
And we'll still be here going on
We have our yesterdays
No lunch cuz the jeans don't fit days
Just keep moving on cuz they'll be gone
And we'll still be here going on

Sometimes I have bad days and it's hard to be me
Sometimes I get brought down by insecurity
And I have my days where I'm the one and lonely
But today I choose to be the one and only
Yea, I'm the one and only

Thinspo

97

Currently Beauty from Pain 1.1 Beauty From Pain see related

My whole world is the pain inside me, the best I can do is just get through the day.

     Another long time no post. *sigh* Fortunately, the lack of posting doesn't mean what it usually means. Usually, when I fail to post or lurk around on xanga, it means I'm binging or completely ignoring my weight all together. But not lately. I've been living on one meal a day for quite awhile now, and that meal never gets any bigger than one of those healthy tv dinners that I've become incredibly fond of. I loathe cooking in this nasty ass kitchen, and that usually means I don't eat, which eventually leads to a nasty binge of potato chips and other things that don't require cooking. But with the lovely invention of Lean Cuisine, Healthy Choice, and SmartOnes I can eat a pre-measured low-cal, low-fat meal, and not have to spend more than a minute in the kitchen to procure it. Oh how I adore thee, my microwave and corporate America food boxy maker people.

    And I've become unusually abhorrent towards soda. Which has a few lovely side-effects. One being a further loss of weight, another being that I can actually survive on the $200 I get every month for foodstamps without having to eat my parents' food. However, it does have the bad side effect of having to find something else to drink. I've found that nothing really sounds good to me. If it weren't for my body feeling like it's being pulled apart from dehydration, I probably wouldn't bother to drink anything. As it is, I'm living off of those 68 cent bottles of Sam's choice flavored water, and only one or two of those a day. So overall, I'm living off of about $4 or $5 a day for food and drink. It would be even less than that if the little freezer dinners were still 50 cents or a dollar a piece, but they jacked the price to $2 or $3. And made the portion smaller, of course. Which would piss me off it weren't for the fact that smaller portions means a smaller waist, and less money means less resources to buy extras...

     Anyway, I'd love to say that life is going splendidly right now. Of course, I'd be lying... as it is, my mom has a gall stone, and will be having surgery in a week or two, my dad won't be getting his settlement for god knows how long because he, too, needs surgery, and on top of that, the government that is supposed to be there to help people in just such a situation has decided to not only deny my mom her disability despite arthritis, heart problems, and kidneys that are threatening to fail again, they've also turned around and decided to cut off the $600ish that WAS keeping us afloat. That on top of my dad not being able to clock in as many hours of work study means that we are going to be several hundred dollars short JUST on rent next month. And the last shot of hope that we had to save us... a temporary work force agency that is NOT taking anymore applications due to the rising number of unemployed individuals turning to them for survival. I just fucking love Longview! *disdainful sarcasm*

     So really, aside from the weightloss (which really isn't all that significant, considering how disgustingly fat I still am), life is shit. I am constantly filled with this sense of dreadful longing to just fucking off myself, and get it over with. I cannot see anything ahead of me. Every time I try to see what I saw 6 months ago, all I see is more struggling. I want to go to school, but at the same time I want to crawl in bed, and just sleep for ages because I'm worried that if I start school, my dad will get his settlement, and we'll move, and I'll have to start all over again somewhere else. And I just don't think I have the energy to do it. Fuck, I hardly have the energy to wrap my mind around the concept of even going to school much less having to actually do it, and to possibly have to start over again once I've done it... it wouldn't be such an issue if it weren't for the fact that the degree I want isn't universal. What may qualify me here won't necessarily mean shit somewhere else. Especially since the program I want isn't even a defined course at the college. It's a build your own program for Veterinary Technicians, and they don't actually give you any hands on training at the school. They just do basic science, math, and shit like that, and then you interview a bunch of Vets to get a feel for the work you'd do if you're lucky enough to find a fucking clinic that's actually hiring in this God forsaken town. And I can hardly get a job in another town! I don't have a fucking car or the money to get one.

     Fuck, I don't even have the money to buy decent clothes for an interview. I don't have any sneakers anymore either. Talia lost the only pair I had, so I'm stuck wearing fucking flip flops in 30 degree weather in fucking rainy Washington, and the only clothes I have are too fucking small because I gained 70 fucking pounds after throwing away all the clothes that didn't fit JUST right when I was 160. So even if I was lucky enough to get a job, I wouldn't have any clothes or shoes to wear to the fucking job. And, like an idiot, I left all of my coats in Kansas thinking that I'd have a job before it started getting cold so I could send for them. So I'm clotheless, shoeless, coatless, and fucking FAT. And the Salvation Army won't help me. Why? Because I'm single and childless and able-bodied. And even if I weren't, the only clothes they ever get are for fucking toddlers and infants. They don't even have clothes for regular kids let alone washed up fat fucking adults.

     So yeah, I'm desperate, basically. I plan on giving blood here soon to earn some money, and I even looked into donating eggs. But I don't qualify. Why? For several reasons actually. My family has a history of cancer, mental illness, and a load of other health problems. Not to mention I myself suffer from depression, an eating disorder, suicidal ideation, and other not so pleasant problems. But even if all that weren't an issue, I still wouldn't be able to. Why? Because at my height, I cannot be any bigger than 154 pounds. So even at my lowest weight, I was still too fucking fat to be good enough to help someone bring another pestulant fucking child into this world. How lovely.

     Yeah... needless to say, I'm pretty fucking stressed out. And I think the stress is why my period didn't come last month. Or rather it did, but I spotted so lightly that I didn't even have to use a pad or a tampon. I did, of course, but there was nothing on it. I spotted, used a tampon, and nothing happened after that. I spent the whole month paranoid that it was going to start at any minute because I hadn't bled yet, but nothing happened. And then, just as I let my guard down, it was time for it to start this month, and naturally, it caught me by surprise. And even now, it's so fucking light I almost don't need any protection against it. And it fucking hurts. Usually the cramps go away in the first couple days, but I'm on day four now, and I actually had to take a fucking vicodin to be able to move. I'd say it was from taking birth control while I was in Kansas, but I only took it for a month, and my period was normal the first month I was back here, right after I got off of it. I'd like to go get it checked out, but alas, I'm too fucking poor to do that, too. The "free" clinic here isn't actually free. They charge $40 to be seen. And if I had $40, I sure as fuck wouldn't spend it on that. I'd buy some fucking shoes. *sigh*

     You wanna know something really fucking horrible? I have gotten to a point where I have seriously considered going out, and getting knocked up so I can be put on welfare just so I can survive. And it fucking sickens me because I know that there are people who do that all the time. They've sunken so fucking low from not being able to find work, and from not recieving any fucking help to meet their most basic of fucking needs, that they have gone out, and brought another fucking human being into this world to suffer beside them just so they could survive. The fact that a person would have to do that to get assistance in their time of need is just fucking sick. You cannot get medical or cash assistance of any kind from the government unless you are pregnant, have a child, or are already so sick that you're going to fucking die if you don't get help. I almost want to tell them that, yes, I am so sick that I'm going to die if I don't get help. I'm so sick of not being able to see a doctor when I need to, so sick of not being able to buy clothes or shoes or coats when I need them, that I am seriously going to fucking KILL myself if I don't get some fucking help! That's what I would like to tell them.

     And I'd really like to be able to pay back the people who actually have helped me. Doug paid for my GED while I was in Kansas. He paid for TJ and I's marriage. He bought us food and all kinds of other shit that I can't even add up. He paid for my bus ticket to get back here... and then there's Carole. Before I even left, she lent my parents 205 fucking dollars so they could pay rent. She told me not to worry about it when I told her she'd be paid back when they got their taxes. And I swore that, no, I would not not worry about it, and that she WOULD be paid back. And then I left, and what happened? My dad spent all $6000 fucking dollars of the tax return, plus the thousands more he got from school grants over the year. And Carole? She hasn't seen a fucking cent. I wanted to go see her when I got back, but then mom told me that she hadn't been repaid. I didn't even fucking know that until I got back. So I've been avoiding her. And then I ran into her at Wal-Mart the other day, and I was so fucking humiliated. I hadn't even told her I was back yet because I didn't want to even speak to her until I could pay her back... seriously, I don't even know why I continue to bother with living. No, with surviving. Living would imply that my existence was somehow justified and fulfilling. It's not either. I just consume, and contribute nothing. I'm like a fucking parasite. Their is not justification for my existence when my existence does nothing but destroy everything around me. I should be dead.

     Yeah... *sigh* I'm very tired. I think I'm just gonna post some thinspo and go lay down. It's mostly icons, but whatever.

Music

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Thinspo

98-99